Yes, I think too much

Archive for the ‘neuroses’ Category

Course Corrections

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I have been hoping for quite some time to write some blog posts, but my life has become incredibly busy in a variety of ways. One of the things that has happened since I have lost so much weight is that my weekends are spent outside of the home and I have little time to sit down and type posts, even when I have things I want to say.

I mentioned some time ago on my former blog that successfully losing weight in the long run is really about self-actualization, not simply adding healthy eating and exercise to your life. I have come to more fully appreciate what that means over the past six months, and it has not been easy. On the one hand, the manner in which I have reframed my relationship with food has not sent me scurrying to the pantry in times of stress, but the amount of stress has increased because the changes that occur have brought up other issues.

For one thing, being out and about so much brings up a serious approach-avoidance conflict for me. I want to get out more for the enjoyable aspects, but find the experience oppressive in so many ways because of the overwhelming sensory stimuli. Since I live in one of the most densely populated cities in the world (where people are literally crammed onto trains during rush hour by conductors shoving them into the doors), every step out of the door involves dodging people, listening to unpleasant noises (construction, loud speaker announcements, etc.), and having to adjust to a variety of unpredictable variables which directly affect my comfort but are utterly out of my control like whether or not I can sit on public transport (and therefore take pressure off of my gimpy knee).

These logistical issues and overstimulation were anticipated problems as a result of being more mobile and free to leave my apartment after losing weight. Related aspects which I hadn’t considered are also cropping up and tapping into other neuroses of mine. Going out and about involves more money being spent, and I grew up poor and have a lot of anxiety about money in general. This isn’t helped by the fact that I’ve spent the last 7-9 year focused rather strongly on saving money and being frugal in anticipation of leaving this Asian country and going home to America. Loosening my notions of what is “reasonable” to spend with certain unemployment in my future and after training myself to live as low on the hog as possible has been very difficult for me.

There is actually an almost humorous irony to the current situation that I find myself in. At 380 lbs., I used to avoid restaurants for fear that I’d be too fat to fit in the seating and be embarrassed (a fear I still have at around 225 lbs., but I realize that it’s irrational for the most part). Now that I am physically able to sit in a restaurant, I find that I have anxiety about the money spent on the meals. It’s hard not to feel strange paying about $25 for a meal when I can make something at home for 1/5 that amount or less (and have leftovers to boot).

Before I go any further, I must stress emphatically that I am not substituting a new anxiety for an old one in some psychological balancing act which will allow me to feel stressed and neurotic all of the time. That is not what is going on. This is an existing neuroses (about money) that wasn’t being brought as strongly into play because the circumstances were such that the responses came out less frequently than they do now. It shows in yet another way how being so fat as to be essentially disabled from normal life was actually beneficial to me. It allowed me not to engage in anxiety invoking behaviors.

The changes I’m going through and the new issues that are coming out have taxed me greatly. I am constantly battling my negative responses and trying to wrestle them to the ground with logic and positive conditioning. It’s the equivalent of talking myself off the bridge day-in and day-out rather than allowing that jump to happen. “The jump” in this metaphor would be deciding not to go out and live life as a “normal” person would and remain secure in my home with my neuroses ruling my behavior. It applies to more than simply my fears about money, fears that were built into me by my upbringing as a very poor person and my mother’s constant dialogs about our issues with it.

Every day is exhausting for me because of these needs to correct the course of my mental pathways. They want to go straight ahead and I keep forcing a right turn. It isn’t really all that dissimilar from the sort of mental conditioning I did when I changed my relationship with food. These other issues are just as persistent, but more ambiguous and vague than the simple choices related to food. This makes mental conditioning more complex as I’m not as certain of the outcomes.

I can tell myself that I will get a job in the future so I don’t need to save every cent from now until when I leave for home. I can tell myself that I have a little over a year left here and that I should take advantage of the time to see and do everything I might want to do and spending a little money on that is a good thing. In fact, I may regret not doing so. However, in the back of my mind is the thought that I could regret spending the money and the fear that I might end up broke and in dire circumstances. This is unlikely, but not out of the realm of possibility. And even when reason succeeds in convincing me that I should spend a little more money now and worry less about later, it doesn’t mitigate the feeling in the pit of my stomach which remains.

So, one of the reasons I haven’t been posting is that I’m constantly wearing myself out trying to deal with new feelings and problems. I constantly feel as though I’m being torn from safe and secure moorings and setting sail into unknown and potentially dangerous seas. The fact that I’m the one choosing to do it doesn’t make it any easier. I simply know, however, that if I want to “get anywhere” (continue to grow as a person and self-actualize), I have no choice ┬ábut to keep forging ahead.

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Written by yesithinktoomuch

November 26, 2010 at 4:28 am